Unhappy

This was not quite the Christmas I expected. My father died last week. He got run over by a car while attending a Christmas party with his old colleagues.

When faced with news about other people's death, I would never know quite how to react. No one in my immediate family has died before. I would not know how to feel when I looked at a dead body, or what to do to prepare for a wake or a funeral. Now that I have experienced death and loss firsthand, I'd say nothing really quite prepares you for it.

There is so much to say about my relationship with my father. Or maybe nothing at all. He left my family when I was three years old. How do you process more than two decades worth of hurt, loss, disappointments, regrets in 7 days? How do you forgive someone who has never asked for your forgiveness? How do you forgive yourself for not being readily able to forgive?

I haven't smiled in a week. For once, there is absolutely nothing to be happy about.