December 31, 2008

Godspeed, Papa

Eulogy delivered for Florefino Lapinid
December 28, 2009, Arnold Janssen Church, Mambaling, Cebu City

I grew up not really knowing my father. He left our family when I was 3 years old. Over the years, I would see him a few number of times, usually on birthdays, funerals or every end of the school year when he'd put on me the medals I earned in grade school. What I know of my father, I usually learned from other people.

I know his name was Florefino Lapinid, and that he is fondly called by family and friends as Pleny, I know he is tall, dark and handsome and that he loved to sing and play basketball.

I know that he was a dedicated policeman, having spent 37 years in the service. Even in the last hours of his life, his commitment to being a retired police officer was evident as he attended the retirees' Christmas party, where he met his untimely death.

I know that he belonged to a great family. If you are ever lucky enough to attend one of the clan's parties and get-together in Alumnos or Minglanilla, you will see a very close-knit group of people very attached and ready to help each other, something I missed growing up. My father loved to have fun. He had the happiest time when he was drinking with his brothers and I remember fondly the Bee Gees trio medley he did with Uncles Lorenzo and Billy.

I know that he had a hard life, because he would sometimes come to me unannounced, asking for whatever money I could spare. I know that he was very hardworking. At age 65, he still worked the tiny streets of Talisay, earning P150 a day as a sikad-sikad driver.

From that, I figured he must be a very good father. To still be working very hard at such old age so he can provide a good future for his other children suggests a deep love for his kids. I may not have experienced that love as often as I would have liked, but that he gave it so generously to others is good enough for me.

I have always wanted to get to know my father more. I admit that deep resentments have kept me from doing so in the past, because it hurts not to have had him all those years. At one point, I decided there was no sense in holding grudges and vowed to come see him one day. And then he died and I will never ever have my chance. So I will remember him as one would remember a good father.

Last night, the priest during the wake spoke about forgiveness. I believe that our greatest gift to him as he makes his journey to heaven would be just that: forgiveness. Papa, I forgive you. And I hope you can forgive me, for not reaching out, for being so arrogant in thinking you owe me a lot of things. You don't owe me anything. In fact, I am forever indebted to you for merely giving me the chance to be alive. I am sorry that I did not have the courage to tell you to your face that I love you.

Seeing the great number of people-- family, friends, colleagues, who came to pay their last respects told me that my father was a very good man. And that's how we, the ones he left behind, will always remember him.

Godspeed, Papa. We will all see you again in God's perfect time.

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December 29, 2008

Unhappy

This was not quite the Christmas I expected. My father died last week. He got run over by a car while attending a Christmas party with his old colleagues.

When faced with news about other people's death, I would never know quite how to react. No one in my immediate family has died before. I would not know how to feel when I looked at a dead body, or what to do to prepare for a wake or a funeral. Now that I have experienced death and loss firsthand, I'd say nothing really quite prepares you for it.

There is so much to say about my relationship with my father. Or maybe nothing at all. He left my family when I was three years old. How do you process more than two decades worth of hurt, loss, disappointments, regrets in 7 days? How do you forgive someone who has never asked for your forgiveness? How do you forgive yourself for not being readily able to forgive?

I haven't smiled in a week. For once, there is absolutely nothing to be happy about.

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December 18, 2008

Because I've been good this year (snicker)

Party fever has kicked off since last week! December is always a super-packed calendar for me because of birthdays (5 birthdays) and Christmas parties (countless), plus holiday shopping and gift-wrapping and gift-giving!

Speaking of gifts, I've already spent a lot for gifts to friends, godchildren, office mates and still, that doesn't cover everyone, like family. I figured, if I selfishly spent that money on myself, goshdarnit, the things I would've bought! So, I'll indulge myself for a while and daydream about:

MY CHRISTMAS (and birthday) WISH LIST 2008

1. Black thigh-high leather boots

I'll be back in Cologne in February so I need winter footwear. I've never enjoyed Cologne very much before, but this time, it's all about rediscovery. Can't wait!

2. An Obama-Biden 2008 yard sign
My 70-plus year old buddy Dick from LA came close to sending one to me, but his dear Republican heart just wouldn't let him. At least, he sent me a framed LA Times poster of the front page of Nov. 5, the day after Obama won the presidency. But not without a sarcastic note saying: So, you're an "Obama" fan? I'm sure the quote marks have a significance.

3. French language books, most especially:
I'm serious about learning French this time. So damn serious, you betcha.

4. Nenuco agua colonia
My favorite scent from my high school days. I always feel happy when I'm wearing this scent, but I've been having tough luck finding this in the stores nowadays.

5. Books -

A.J. Jacobs' The
Year of Living Biblically

HTML for Dummies
Adobe Photoshop CS3 for Dummies


Patrick Suskind's Perfume



6. iPod shuffle portable speakers
Chico told me there are cheap ones from China, maybe P400 each. But I wish he'd just get it for me instead of telling me where I can buy one. Hmph! *arms akimbo*

7. Barack Obama's The Audacity of Hope audio book
Barack Obama reads to me about... Barack Obama. Double oh... my... God...

8. Mango wint
er coat
Penelope Cruz is my new goddess of hotness and Mango has all my savings.

9. A set of wine glasses
I've been a wine addict for a while now and I wondered how I could've survived without owning a set of glasses. Once I have them, there's no limit to the wine parties my friends and I could have for no reason at all.
----

Since my friends and family don't read this blog, I hope, as I like it, I don't know how I can not-so-subtly hint that I want these things. Hmmm... thinking... seriously thinking... scheming... diabolically scheming... *strokes chin*

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December 17, 2008

Please don't read my blog

Seriously, I hope no one reads my blog. I don't want people prying into my head.

Then why blog at all, you might ask. Well, that's the thing, I don't really know. I think I've always been conflicted about blog-writing. I've whined as much in previous posts, like the one here and here. I want to write, because writing is one of the few life-vests I have, to keep myself sane. As a friend once told me, we write to save our own souls first, the others' second. My blog is my online refuge, my hiding place (hence the title of this blog), for when I want to switch off the world for a while and tune into my self, whatever state of incarnation I may be in.

I want to write, but I want to write honestly and from the heart. I think that's the only way I know how. But being honest has its drawbacks, you simply can't be too truthful, because of a number of things, among them: etiquette and the fear of being judged.

If no one reads my blog:

1. I can tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
2. No one gets hurt by the things that I write.
3. I can name names.
4. I don't have to be nice. (That's what Facebook is for.)

Another option is the good, old handwritten journal, but I've tried that before and didn't really take off. Photoshop is much too fun to leave out in the process. So there.

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December 15, 2008

'Tis the season!


E-mailer invites I made for our barkada's annual Christmas party

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A big post-it from God


Billboard along North Road, on the way to the office

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December 12, 2008

Blue October and my alternate universe

Blue October is proving to be a treasure trove of tunes that are my current 24/7 favorite soundtrack. I've already gushed about Calling You in a previous blog entry (still not sick of it, love the song completely!) I guess you can always tell which songs are the winners in any given anonymous album, because I just overheard this blaring off my office mate's Mac and its melody is like a stain you can't get off. I did a little Googling and learned that Calling You was a most requested tune in the US airwaves in its time. Into The Ocean has been a longtime favorite, perfect for highway cruising on Sunday afternoons on the way to the beach.

Blue October's songs are hardly feel good tunes, but they are diverse and powerful, and more importantly, emotive, as main man Justin Furstenfeld has no problem wearing his hurting heart on his sleeve, so lyrically the songs appeal to the Little Miss Drama in me. When he's not snarling about something that made him broken and angry, Furstenfeld can actually articulate a thing or two about everyone's favorite subject: luuurve.

Balance Beam reminds me of my embattled best friend D, who is trying to win my friend E's heart. And while the wooing process remains their private business, I get consulted for the occasional tip every now and then. I have long given up ambitions of being a good matchmaker (past results have been disastrous) but Balance Beam's catchy chorus sounds like good pointers. Boyfriends, take notice, too, you clueless goofs.

One, you've got to take it kind of slowly
Two, you've got to hurry up and make your move
Three, you've got to tell her how you're feeling
Four, you've got to be the perfect gentleman
When you shake the walls, you've got to make 'em bend
Yeah you're got to show her that she's the balance beam
And you keep falling all around her fairy tale.


Another favorite is Come In Closer. I like it because, if I may be frank, it sounds like a great make out song, with delicate trip-hop beats and sensual back up vocals. I'm validated to find another review of the song which describes it as "a wintry, fireplace sex song", so see, I'm not the only one who thinks of sex when I hear this track.

Finally, Hate Me. If Blue October's songs are an honest autobiography by Furstenfeld, then it's easy to surmise that he is a troubled man in constant battle with his inner demons. A couple of tracks are about wanting to transcend from depression, redemption and musings on lost loves. Hate Me implores the love interest to stay away from him for her own good. Lyrically, I like it because it hits a little closer to home. Not the part about addiction but pushing people away thinking it would be for the best for everyone concerned. I'm not going to elaborate, haha. But consider the lyrics:

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you


I'd like to segue over to the subject of my new iPod, which I'm loving more than I expected to. I've always preferred to get a Shuffle over the snazzier, more sophisticated ones. I did not need a screen or the admittedly awesome interface of the iPod Touch. I did not want a big storage space, I have my 3-year old iPod U2 for that, with more than 4,000 songs and half the 20GB storage capacity untouched. I just wanted something tiny that I can clip on somewhere in my body and forget about for an entire day. It's pretty much theft-proof, too, for the best pickpockets wouldn't know where to unclip the cute gizmo. Pretty nifty to listen to when you're jogging, or, like I did last night, dancing like crazy to salsa music in the kitchen, at 1 am, with the rest of the house oblivious to my crime.

Yesterday I discovered another reason to love it all the more. I was walking in the mall with (what else?) Blue October on shuffle, and it felt like I was in one big music video, with other mall-goers playing bit actors and of course, me as the star. Of course, this plays very well into my alternate universe, where I'm... erm, I shouldn't tell you. You're not part of it. Hehehe. Anyway, what I love the most about my Shuffle is that it doesn't feel like something I should be constantly worrying about if I've lost or misplaced it. It gives me such freedom to move that all I should be concentrating on is the music, and how that imaginary music video is playing out. Now if you'll excuse me, the chorus is coming up and you're in my shot.

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Mine, mine, all mine

Because I had to have it before plaid totally goes out of style.

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December 9, 2008

Chanson du jour 12.10.08

"CALLING YOU" by Blue October

Since last night, I have had this tune from Blue October's History For Sale album, on constant repeat in my new iPod shuffle. I blame it on the super, super, super-catchy melody at the chorus, can't get enough of it! I find the lyrics a bit too stalker-ish for my taste, though:

I will keep calling you to see
If you're sleeping or you're dreaming, if you're dreaming, are you dreaming of me?

or, worse

I'll be calling you to see, do I try so hard to make you smile, to make us smile?

Strangely, they remind me of someone. A little bit.

Anyhoo, when I'm not in one of my melodramatic moods, the lyrics hardly matter. Melody trumps the message, so no hidden allusions here. And today has been definitely devoid of drama so far, self-manufactured or otherwise. So yay! No complaints whatsoever.

Good morning, everyone :)

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December 8, 2008

Thank you, 'Roo

Sometimes I can be an over-dramatic brat, but you love me anyway. Thank you.

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December 5, 2008

What the %&#@ is a blog for if you cannot say what you want?

...

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